GAME OF THRONES RECAP: THE RED WOMAN SLEEPS IN THE NUDE

JOIN US AS WE FOLLOW THIS WEEK'S RAPE THREATS, INDISTINGUISHABLE WHITE MEN, AND THE HORRORS OF AGING

Game of Thrones is, inarguably, one of the most batshit television shows of all time. Trying to discern what the fuck is ever happening on this show is like staring at a swarm of fire ants descending upon a summer picnic and trying to discern which one was the instigator and which one is the cutest. GoT ’s ceaseless obfuscation has several roots:
1. Every single white man on this show looks exactly the same, and has one of three names (Padley, Renley, or Gadfly).
2. There are approximately 126 main characters, all of whom are either related to one another or having sex with one another or killing one another, or all three.
3. This show is based on a series of books made up of thousands and thousands of pages, thousands and thousands of rapes, and then, when you think there couldn’t possibly be any more rapes, the TV writers add more rapes.
That said, I’ve been known to begrudgingly enjoy and accept Game of Thrones for what it is (ridiculous) and what it isn’t (coherent, absent of gratuitous rapes).
Game of Thrones has become something like a sibling to me: Sometimes I hate it, sometimes I love it, sometimes I want to have sex and bear three towheaded children with it. Incredibly, these tepid, twisted sentiments about the show have qualified me to be its recapper for MTV News. Please join me for the next several weeks as I attempt to digest, comprehend, react to, and survive what’s happening on HBO’s weekly stabby fuckfest. Occasionally, as a way to convey emotion that cannot be put into words, I will interject photos of my little sister from a years-old professional photo shoot gone very wrong.
“The Red Woman”
At the end of last season, Jon Snow died. He was stabbed multiple times by multiple people. Still, the majority of the Internet spent almost a full year trying to convince themselves that Jon Snow did not die, or that HBO would resurrect him within the first several minutes with the help of Melisandre’s dark magic or that thing in
Peter Pan where they bring Tinkerbell back to life by screaming. Jon Snow’s resurrection became a temporary national obsession, like Jesus or Dippin’ Dots. While all of us were poring over photos of Kit Harington in Belfast , the ice caps melted, the coral bleached, and every talented artist we ever loved actually died in real life. Still, we did not shut up about Jon Snow. Showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss probably thought this was cute at first, but now, nearly one year later, want nothing more than for us to knock it off. As such, they kicked off this season by getting right to the good shit: Jon Snow’s dead body.